"Wait up, guys! Wait!"
- Shaka Kahn

Our Archontean Dirtbags took a bit of a diversion, as a drunken old fool at the Sign of the Broken Head (who looked suspiciously like a GM who had prepared a newly-purchased module) kept rambling on about some old monastery a few days up the road that got blown apart by lightning a few months back. His opinion was that the monks that ran the place finally pissed off the Iron God with their greedy ways.

The Dirtbags recognize an opportunity when they see one. Monastic greed means lots of loot. Alas, Shaka Kahn, Kul and Dodger Graves were nowhere to be found, so they recruited an earnest young cleric of Thoth named Shem Lua and set off for the Tomb of the Iron God. A strapping young ranger named Bucky Wunderlick invites himself along.

After an uneventful trek of a couple of days, the party finds the ruined monastery, exactly as described. Aside from stairs into the depths, the only thing left standing is a huge iron statue of the god himself. Summers Eve idly wonders if the monks accidentally created something called a "lightning rod" but her ravings are dismissed as the obvious pseudoscience they are.

They light a torch (side note: props to Quest Portal VTT for the new lighting functionality; works a treat) and head down into the darkness.

They find themselves in a large room with a stone floor worn smooth by generations of worshippers. The walls are covered with epitaphs for the dead; some crudely scratched, some obviously professionally carved. The monks made their living offering funerary services for the deceased, it seems.

Another statue of the Iron God fills the room; this one is holding a large jar, held at floor level and obviously where the bodies are deposited. In front of the statue they find a decapitated goblin head, covered in magic symbology seemingly picked in place by the bone needle still sticking out of it. The head is animated, warning tomb robbers away and promising death and destruction for any who delve deeper. Shem studies the head for its magical and theological implications. Thud McLoad just kicks it into the corner with a satisfying squish.

Bucky Wunderlick examines the jar and discovers a chute leading deeper into the complex - he takes the head and plays a little skee ball - it doesn't go far before they hear it hit something.

They toy with the idea of tying a rope to Thud and sending him through next, but instead decide to just crack open a doorway and carry on by foot. They have terrible luck and each door opens with a scrape and creak, alerting who knows what kind of denizens to their presence (GM note: if the character fails their Open Doors check, it means a noisy opening and a roll on The Underclock).

They find themselves in a long, dark hallway. Suddenly, a voice from the darkness! It's Shaka Kahn, who just missed them back at the inn and has been chasing them ever since (aka the player's plane landed and he got to the hotel wifi).

They proceed somewhat carefully, but their bad luck with noisy doors continues, and after rounding a strange dogleg in the passageway, they open a door with an echoing creak (UNDERCLOCK FIRES). Shem's enthusiasm compels him into the room, but the more seasoned vets hold back as a horde of goblins bursts in from the south, eager to engage the party and prevent them from jumping their claim.

The battle is fierce but quick. Shem does a little holy smiting, but eventually falls to a goblin blade, while Shaka crosses Thoth off his list of potential gods to serve. Hail Sheebus! Bucky turns out to be something of a badass - peppering the goblin leader with arrows and then slitting throats like a boss. The rest of the party...you know...helps?

When the dust settles, they scope out the room the goblins came from and find a nice little treasure horde. They also find a hidden door - totally because they are savvy dungeon crawlers and not at all because the provided player-facing map still shows secret doors and traps for some goddamn reason.

They explore some more hidden rooms - mostly empty but there are some rugs and tapestries they could probably steal and sell if the GM wasn't an asshole and enforcing encumbrance rules. Also, at least one rug is ruined when they're attacked by three Giant Rats, which are quickly dispatched by Bucky and the rest of the party.

But Bucky is the straw that stirs the drink...

July 13, 2025